Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I think I won the penis lottery.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
