Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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