Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
