Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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