My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
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I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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