I accidentally burped into my bong.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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