if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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