i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
