They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
