And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
