He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year