The maid of honor just puked.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
