i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
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the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
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I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.