and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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