I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
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