My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize