The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
