Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
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