Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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