That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
