I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
