did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
