and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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