I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
