When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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