i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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