I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
