The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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