I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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