I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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