She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
