i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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