If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
