i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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