My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
