i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
