well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
