if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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