According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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