I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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