this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
