Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
