somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
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