The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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