Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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