Cold hands, warm shart.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
