Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
