She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
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Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
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