Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We don't watch enough power rangers
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
