You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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