I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
