Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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