I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
