I like to think it a success when the cops are called
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
