Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
