$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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