I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
