Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
