my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
