im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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